i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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