pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
