I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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