I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
