Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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