Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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