This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
