Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
People in love make me want to vomit
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
