Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize