The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
