shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
