If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
