Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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