He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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