Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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