I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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