meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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