I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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