Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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