I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
