I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
