You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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