I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
