got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
