Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
