Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
