I will die if light touches me.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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