I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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