i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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