oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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