Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
