Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
