Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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