You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
