she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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