it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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