I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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