Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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