I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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