I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
