Where is the hickey?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
