Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
