Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
