my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
