i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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