i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
