I just pynch a tree in the face
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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