True but thats because hes a fetus.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
