At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
