Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize