I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I AM VODKA MAN
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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