***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just threw up on my dentist
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
