I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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