I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
