My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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