We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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