i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
