mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
