lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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