Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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