Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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