I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
