dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
