I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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