Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
