Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Holy sore nipples Batman
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
