i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
